Furman at Mississippi Negative Nancy

[FUTex]

Quick update on the mojo build, and its bad news: I have failed to convince the President of Finland, Alexander Stubb, to come to The Grove and beat to death a Vomit-Eating Myrtle Beach Possum with plastic child's golf clubs. Why, one may ask, should he use a child's golf set? As was generously covered in the other forum, we have judiciously determined that using a whiffle ball bat just won't do the job. So the sturdiness of those hard plastic clubs, we think, will do the trick. I could wax poetic about beating to death a Mississippi Meth Possum, but Aimo Koivunen passed in 1989, and we don't want to make a joke out of beating to death a Mississippi Meth Possum. Let's have at least a modicum of respect for the marsupial, if you please. And also, don't google medical procedures based on the word marsupial. That's an important safety tip.

tl;dr - Alexander Stubb, a man you shouldn't mess with, needs to beat a possum to death with a plastic sports toy or we will lose this game.

[cavedweller2]

Aimo Koivunen is a Finnish National Hero.

[FUTex]

Aimo Koivunen was indeed a great Finn. My preference for the GOAT Finn is Simo Hayha. Alexander Stubb is the greatest living Finn, obviously. (FWIW, I never liked Jean Sibelius's work. Tedious.)

If we can't get Alexander Stubb or another great Finn to whack the possum in The Grove I don't know what we're going to do.

[Fred Garvin]

Quick update on the mojo build, and its bad news: I have failed to convince the President of Finland, Alexander Stubb, to come to The Grove and beat to death a Vomit-Eating Myrtle Beach Possum with plastic child's golf clubs. Why, one may ask, should he use a child's golf set? As was generously covered in the other forum, we have judiciously determined that using a whiffle ball bat just won't do the job. So the sturdiness of those hard plastic clubs, we think, will do the trick. I could wax poetic about beating to death a Mississippi Meth Possum, but Aimo Koivunen passed in 1989, and we don't want to make a joke out of beating to death a Mississippi Meth Possum. Let's have at least a modicum of respect for the marsupial, if you please. And also, don't google medical procedures based on the word marsupial. That's an important safety tip.

tl;dr - Alexander Stubb, a man you shouldn't mess with, needs to beat a possum to death with a plastic sports toy or we will lose this game.

Strongly suggest we don't go after vomit eating possums from Myrtle Beach due to some of them eating the vomit of Coastal Carolina students. Higher chance of said varmit having some strain of syphilis. Better choice would be a possum from Darlington County. We could use a tire iron on it. Darlington possums actually like getting beaten to death with a tire iron according to Good Knight.

[FUTex]

Fred Garvin makes a solid point. While there's no doubt Alexander Stubb could handle the notorious Myrtle Beach Vomit Eatin' Possum, we should use an old school Darlington County Vomit Eater for the death beating if its a mere mortal UFFPer that does the beating. Syphilis and an abundance of caution and all that. If we have a William Faulkner reference it would tie the mojo together.

Question for Fred Garvin: Isn't the use of a tire iron overkill? I mean, a few whacks and that possum is done for. I'm thinking we should use a broom handle or maybe an old shoe we were thinking of throwing away anyway. That we can make a real spectacle of it, a la "The Passion of the Christ". Something for the whole family.

tl;dr - A UFFPer dressed as William Faulkner beating a GK Darlington Vomit Eating Possum with an old shoe will boost the Paladins to victory over Ole Miss.

[cavedweller2]

No I think “The Possum of the Christ” works better.

[FUBeAR]

If we have a William Faulkner reference it would tie the mojo together.

Y’know, FUBeAR once had a long talk with Coach BillyF right there on the square in Oxford. He provided no insight into resolving the trauma FUBeAR suffered in 11th grade after being tasked with diagramming one of his sentences - the 1,288 word one from Absalom, Absalom!, but he shared quite a bit about his marsupial wranglin’ & dispatchin’ proficiencies, his mojo manufacturing history, and his meth experiences. FUBeAR took copious notes. We good.

[FUBeAR]

Speaking of possums, FUBeAR just rec’d this pic, sent anonymously from a patron of FUBeaR’s OnlyFans site. Not sure what it means, TBH, but FUBeAR is almost certain that he does not wish to contract coccidiosis.

[FUTex]

I sent this this morning - FUTex

****************************************
His Excellency Cai-Goran Alexander Stubb
President, Presidentti, President-a-Rama
The Most High and Regal Worshipful Helsinkiness
Mäntyniemi Palace
Veklahdentie 361, 02400 Kirkkonummi, Suomi
FINLAND

Dear President Stubb,

As you probably gathered I made a trip to Helsinki last month on urgent business to speak with you about the upcoming Furman Paladins game against those bastages Ol’ Miss Rebels. Alas, we seemed to have missed each other, your offices being surrounded by a bunch of toadies and yes-men who just wouldn’t listen to reason. And that Sergeant Korhonen – that guy has no sense of humor.

First let me say I really like the photos of you available online. You look like the kinda guy that could really open up a can if you wanted to. You look like a young Simo Hayha. I’d like to have a set of Alexander Stubb action figures. And I wouldn’t just keep them in their original packaging. No sir. I’d play with them just about every day.

That Mantyniemi Palace sure looks nice, at least what I could see of it from the road. All I could get a good look at was rocks and trees and stone walls and that dang guard house. I don’t know if you know this, but the man out front turns people away who drive up to it. I explained I was just dropping in for a cup of joe and to talk football, but he wouldn’t listen. “No”, he said, I had to go away. I even showed him my documents, like my really expensive plane ticket and my Paladin Club sticker, but he was being such an A.

The Parliament building in Helsinki, the Eduskunta Riksdag I think they call it in the local lingo, was another HUGE waste of time. I knew you were in there that afternoon, but could I get in to chat with you for just an hour or so? Oh no. I sang our Alma Mater. I sang it again, this next time in a higher pitch. I did a dance. They tried to put me in handcuffs when I did the F U One Time cheer. I had to run away, because they have no sense of humor and I know they knew you were in there.

Here's the deal Alex: We need to build a powerful mojo to counter the crepidation of those boys from Mississippi. We have established that beating a Myrtle Beach Vomit Eating Possum with a plastic child’s toy will build such a mojo. The element we’re missing is a super-hero to do the beating. That’s where you come in.

Picture it, my man. You in Oxford Mississippi surrounded by your pals FUBear, Cave, Fred Garvin, Davemeister, Bootie, and so on. Then you come out dressed in lederhosen, which I know is Bavarian but let’s go with it for the striking visual. Black buckled shoes, knee-high white socks, lederhosen, a fancy embroidered shirt with puffy sleeves, and a smart green pointy cap with a big feather in it. You will look resplendent, and we’ll all be hammered. You step into the possum pen, and start whacking it with a whiffle ball bat, just going full Aimo Koivunen on that thing. But its just a demonstration, cuz the possum just hisses at you. Then you get a child’s plastic golf club, and we all see the fear in those vile possum eyes as you wind up for a tee shot. WHAM WHAM WHAM. And that’s how we brew up a nasty mojo. Simple as that.

Special note: We may substitute a Darlington Vomit Eating possum in lieu of a Myrtle Beach Vomit Eater, what with the syphilis and all. I don’t think we’re going to wrangle up a Mississippi Meth possum; they’re toothless and will try to steal from you.

Yours Truly,
FUTex

[FUTex]

UPDATE

No word from President Stubb nor anyone from the Government of Finland yet. I'll start my follow-up calls to them on Monday.

[FUTex]

Update...

I'll be frank. This isn't going well - no positive signs from the Government of Finland. I've tried sweetening the pot by offering President Stubb the option of beating the possum to death with an old shoe and allowing him to do a disturbing gyrating dance before the death whack, but all to no avail. They won't even talk to me! Maybe I should open my next phone call to them with hyperbolic jingoistic threats or grotesque mammalian reproductive descriptives.

[Fred Garvin]

Update...

I'll be frank. This isn't going well - no positive signs from the Government of Finland. I've tried sweetening the pot by offering President Stubb the option of beating the possum to death with an old shoe and allowing him to do a disturbing gyrating dance before the death whack, but all to no avail. They won't even talk to me! Maybe I should open my next phone call to them with hyperbolic jingoistic threats or grotesque mammalian reproductive descriptives.

Sounds like we need a solid Plan B in case President Stubb doesn't work out.

I suggest we find someone more local.

I suggest we put an BOLO alert out for Lex, the former maintenance man at Woodwinds. I saw him choke out a trash panda one time when it came out of a dumpster and he allegedly drove his car backwards down US 25 from Hendersonville after eating mushrooms. A solid dude that would be an asset to our quest. Bonus points if he could bring the ashes of Rasputin to scatter around the possum.

If you don't know Rasputin then you probably lived in a dorm.

[FUBeAR]

Update...

I'll be frank. This isn't going well - no positive signs from the Government of Finland. I've tried sweetening the pot by offering President Stubb the option of beating the possum to death with an old shoe and allowing him to do a disturbing gyrating dance before the death whack, but all to no avail. They won't even talk to me! Maybe I should open my next phone call to them with hyperbolic jingoistic threats or grotesque mammalian reproductive descriptives.

Sounds like we need a solid Plan B in case President Stubb doesn't work out.

I suggest we find someone more local.

I suggest we put an BOLO alert out for Lex, the former maintenance man at Woodwinds. I saw him choke out a trash panda one time when it came out of a dumpster and he allegedly drove his car backwards down US 25 from Hendersonville after eating mushrooms. A solid dude that would be an asset to our quest. Bonus points if he could bring the ashes of Rasputin to scatter around the possum.

If you don't know Rasputin then you probably lived in a dorm.

FUBeAR thought Lex was Rasputin.

If only there had been more than a very few sober days spent in FUBeAR’s 3 years (or so) of incarceration at Woodwinds, his memory might be considerably less fogged.

[cavedweller2]

Update...

I'll be frank. This isn't going well - no positive signs from the Government of Finland. I've tried sweetening the pot by offering President Stubb the option of beating the possum to death with an old shoe and allowing him to do a disturbing gyrating dance before the death whack, but all to no avail. They won't even talk to me! Maybe I should open my next phone call to them with hyperbolic jingoistic threats or grotesque mammalian reproductive descriptives.

Sounds like we need a solid Plan B in case President Stubb doesn't work out.

I suggest we find someone more local.

I suggest we put an BOLO alert out for Lex, the former maintenance man at Woodwinds. I saw him choke out a trash panda one time when it came out of a dumpster and he allegedly drove his car backwards down US 25 from Hendersonville after eating mushrooms. A solid dude that would be an asset to our quest. Bonus points if he could bring the ashes of Rasputin to scatter around the possum.

If you don't know Rasputin then you probably lived in a dorm.

No allegedly about it. It was a '63 Falcon with 3 on the tree. I was in the parking lot when he careened in, in reverse, and staggered from the drivers side.

[apaladin]

Wish this stupid not funny thread would go away. Don’t think I can take it for 5 more months, of course I don’t waste my time reading the silliness so it’s ok. Carry on with the non-sense.