The Unofficial Furman Football Page

FUTex wrote: ↑

Tue May 14, 2024 2:18 am

I just wanted to point out that FUBear has referenced "giant paranormal porn possums". Does anyone know where we can get one of those?

FAMNN BATT CCLOT

No, but there is a well-known Possum Whisperer who can surely find one for us.

Shaved or unshaved?

cavedweller2 wrote: ↑

Tue May 14, 2024 11:33 am

Shaved or unshaved?

Shaved .

I've always found shaving a possum to be ridiculously easy. They just sit there hissing, then go catatonic. Completely still, until they foam at the mouth, and you can use that foam as shaving cream.

Where is the Possum Whisperer? Can we locate this magical person?

tl;dr - I hope we beat Ol' Miss like a freshly shaved possum.

MOJO ALERT

The field trials are in and it turns out that the foam from the mouth of a catatonic possum does NOT make a good shaving cream. It does not lather well, no matter how much you rub it around, and the nasty little possum hairs get all matted and don't stand up for the razor. No. We're better off going back to plain old Barbasol. And while on the subject, an alcohol based after-shave like Aqua Velva would tingle up a marsupial quite nicely for a savage beating.

I know this is a serious setback. We only have about 100 days to complete this mojo.

I am currently on vacation/scouting mission about halfway between Pensacola and Tallahassee in the middle of nowhere Florida. That’s how I like to do vacation is the middle of nowhere anywhere. You meet all kinds of interesting folks. Well I was talking to Madine at the local Diner/gas station / liquor mart/ strip club (In The back of the building). They mounted a pole on Merle McCarson’s flat bed tow truck. Got the idea at the races. They say local amateur night is quite the sight. Yet I digress. I subtly broached the subject of Meth eating Shaved possums by straight out asking if they knew where one might acquire such a varmint in the area. They looked at me like I was crazy to even mention such. Madine said the only thing shaved around these parts is beaver. She says there are plenty of shaved beavers around and most are on meth. She says she will take me and show me a few tomorrow. I will make a determination if shaved meth beaver will suffice instead for the shaved meth possum. This is a bizarre place.

cavedweller2 wrote: ↑

Mon May 20, 2024 6:14 pm

I am currently on vacation/scouting mission about halfway between Pensacola and Tallahassee in the middle of nowhere Florida. That’s how I like to do vacation is the middle of nowhere anywhere. You meet all kinds of interesting folks. Well I was talking to Madine at the local Diner/gas station / liquor mart/ strip club (In The back of the building). They mounted a pole on Merle McCarson’s flat bed tow truck. Got the idea at the races. They say local amateur night is quite the sight. Yet I digress. I subtly broached the subject of Meth eating Shaved possums by straight out asking if they knew where one might acquire such a varmint in the area. They looked at me like I was crazy to even mention such. Madine said the only thing shaved around these parts is beaver. She says there are plenty of shaved beavers around and most are on meth. She says she will take me and show me a few tomorrow. I will make a determination if shaved meth beaver will suffice instead for the shaved meth possum. This is a bizarre place.

A visit here may be desirable before you embark upon your hunting expedition with Madine -> https://plushcare.com/penicillin-onlin ... PWEALw_wcB

Excellent research Cave, and artfully reported. That is exactly the kind of high quality analysis the UFFP is known for.

Mayhaps a half-dozen or so of these nasty nasty shaved meth beavers will propel the Paladins to victory. I will continue my research on possumry and attempt to get President Stubb to savagely and quite publicly beat one to death with a golf club.

It am pure horror show. But not really. More like Mr. Spock and the look on his face when he says “fascinating”!
At the moment I am at a loss for words. Watching a Live Ocptopus eating competition was not anticipated.

Aimo Kouvenin would thrive.

Hi Cave. I've been down in South Texas on bidness the past few days. I'm saddened to report they have a terrible possum infestation here - a big problem. Really quite sad. Tragic.

Aimo Kouvenin would thrive here.

Almost no one here knows of the Ol' Miss-Furman donnybrook coming up. I shouldn't have come here. It was a mistake.

People that live in the swamp somewhere northwest of Wewahitchka Florida hate Ole Miss. And I’m talking out there buddy.

Why does the Georgia State Patrol drive cars painted Florida Gator colors? They are slow too.

It was an interesting week. Keep an eye on the Helsinki Times Newspaper as Football approaches. My new friends were especially intrigued that Billy Napier is a Furman. They cryptically said that “He is a Furman. He is a Florida. Lane Kiffin is a punk.” Different world.

Billy Napier is a Love Furmans.

Cave, you need to get back to South Carolina. We've got work to do.

Look people, if you're in South Carolina, don't leave. There's not any reason to leave the state anymore. Except maybe to go to an away game.

If you're not in South Carolina, don't panic, and don't cry out. There's VC all over the place. Just click your handset twice so we know you're there, and we'll come try to find you in the morning.

Stop. The. Presses.

Mississippi Code, Title 97, Chapter 41. If we savagely beat a possum to death we will be guilty of a misdemeanor. It gets worse, if they catch us in process of savagely beating a possum to death they can (and will, I tell you) take away our possum. We'll be just left standing there without a possum like a bunch of damn fools.

Add on top of that we haven't heard anything from our leader, Alexander Stubb. He's up there in Helsinki leading the high life with vodka and Sami culture and not a care in the world (except that 1000 mile border with the Russkies).

But I have a plan. You know how medieval royalty used to perform marriage ceremonies with stand-ins, when the bride or groom couldn't travel? Or how the Mormons baptize the dead by proxy? Yeah, you know where I'm going with this. We have a STAND-IN for His Excellency Alexander Stubb, and savagely beat the possum to death ahead of gameday, away from The Grove. This could work.

Then, if we combine Furmanoid's efforts getting those Americanized Finns all riled up, coming down from up north, and me from the west, and Bear and Cave from the east, we can kinda box them in a Rick Rude's Rude Awakening death mojo. And Bootie can handle the subterranean variables, because I understand there are a lot of troglodytes in Mississippi. Oh, we are certain to be victorious.

tl;dr - Don't leave South Carolina. Outside Greenville County there are many horrors. Many horrors.

There are over 3 million possums in the state of Mississippi. The Ole Miss stadium holds 64,000 people. If the possums all invade on gameday that would mean each fan would be responsible for killing 46 possums each, and I don't think they could do it.

I caught a possum!

I've named it Madine. I'm going to feed it leftovers until about August 20.